So the other day I wrote about how the “Citizen Kane” of video game movies is still waiting to be put to film, well there are crazy amounts of video game movies that really shouldn’t have ever been made. Here’s the the top 10:
- Far Cry – Uwe Boll is a name that will appear often on this list. The German-born Canadian filmmaker, if it’s not blasphemous to call him a film maker of course, is renowned for making crappy video game based movies. The Far Cry series is one of mysticism, questions on existentialism and of course explosions. And yet, Boll regurgitated a massive piece of crap when he churned out his adaptation of the popular game series. Terrible CGI and action, laughable ‘acting’ and a script so bad and devoid of any of the sources material, one wonders why they tried to name it after the franchise. Nothing of the charm, wit or gut wrenching action appears in this low-budget trash bag of a flick.
2. Hitman – The 2007 attempt to make a film surrounding Agent 47 is the first of two to make this list. There is now style or substance to this film. It is essentially a noisy, violent mess that thinks its action is good, when it’s not – like the later Die Hard movies. What makes the hitman games so good is the stealth missions and the hilarity that can ensue when taking down your targets. You can wear anything and use anything to strike a blow against the enemy, just don’t show them this film or it’ll depress them beyond belief.
3. Assassin’s Creed – I have already reviewed the recent Assassin’s Creed film (be sure to check it out), but if you haven’t read it the movie is essentially a mess. Unrecognizable characters shoe-horned in using mere jokes of the equipment used in the games. Constant cutting two and from the present day to the Spanish Inquisition so constant in fact that it can give you a migraine. The actors don’t really look like they want to be there, the McGuffin device, the Apple of Eden is used entirely differently to the games and the ending is left so ambiguously open anything could happen in the sequel. Except that it won’t get a sequel because it sucked and all copies should suffer the same fate as Aguilar’s assassin colleagues – burned to a crisp.
4. Warcraft – a little too late is an understatement for this movie. If it was over ten years earlier, it would have made a ton of money. Sadly, it didn’t and now we all laugh at time. The Chinese might have loved it, but this movie wasn’t great. It has so much back story to fill in for those who don’t know whats what in Azeroth. This is the video game movie equivalent of John Carter, tries to hard to be something it’s not. It’s a Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones and The Hobbit wannabe and really doesn’t capture what Warcraft is about – Does anyone still play Warcraft anymore anyway?
5. Angry Birds – Speaking of films that are far to late to capitalise on wealth – Angry Birds could have soared like an eagle but sadly (in the words of David Brent) “sunk like a pelican.” A bright and colourful distraction for your little ones but honestly it is an unenjoyable mess. In a mobile game, there is essentially a story – pigs steal eggs, birds are angry and attempt to get them back via catapult. But someone didn’t tell that to the producers who just wrote something else about anger management classes, happiness and so many things hitting cartoon birds in the crotch that your eyes will fall out from rolling them back too much.
6. Doom – Oh boy, what a turd this was. The Rock usually makes good choices when it comes to starring in movies, but he really didn’t here. Rather than hell breaking open on Mars, instead a mass murderer inject with a DNA altering drug goes on the rampage and the marines have to try to stop him. It tries to be like the source material but really fails. Yes, there is blood and gore as is expected. But what there isn’t is a story nor the charm that the Doom games exude. Violent metal in the background as demons try to tear you apart start from the depths of hell. Some humour from the Rock cannot save this turd. Also, the director must have said: “let’s use a POV shot of someone’s gun as if they’re playing the game. The audience will love that!” No, we didn’t and we still don’t. Don’t use this shot type in a video game movie just to show that the movie is based on a video game!
7. Hitman: Agent 47 – The second embarrassing Hitman film on the list, Agent 47 is the second attempt to get a franchise off the ground – sadly it stayed firmly still. Another evil corporation is out to get 47 but this time it’s to create an army of superweapons from his genetic make-up. Crap action with a plot and acting hands down worse than the one earlier on this list, Agent 47 was a dud before it started filming considering it didn’t work before and it sure as hell wasnt going to work again. Also it had an awful rendition of Jimi Hendrix’s Voodoo Child in the soundtrack which would make poor Jim himself turn in his grave. Hitman shouldn’t be too hard a game to adapt but I’m afraid it massively missed the mark here.
8. Super Mario Bros – I am deadly sure you knew this abomination was coming. A live adaptation of Super Mario Bros, what could possibly go wrong? How about, everything? This movie was so bad that it is used to measure against how bad video game movies, and movies in general, actually are. Toad is now a singing homeless guy, Big Bertha is a nightclub bouncer, Koopa suffers from mysophobia and of course, Mario is afraid to jump – which is basically the only thing he is famous for. This movie has a cult following today with stoners and that is the only good thing to come out of this. Screen legend Bob Hoskins nearly died several times during the making of this film. What is the most laughable thing about this movie though, is that they thought they’d be getting a sequel…guess again Super Mario Bros.
9. Need for Speed – After Breaking Bad, Aaron Paul must have had the world at his feet, with companies begging for him to take their parts in movies. Sadly, he chose this piece of rubbish. Need for Speed might have had a brilliant soundtrack, but ultimately the film that accompanied it was dreadful. Fast-paced editing and quick quips cannot save this turd, no matter how much you polish it. Making a movie on what is essentially a video game about driving is utter madness. Generic action and car stunts you’ve seen in every other action movie ever, an utter snooze fest if there ever was one.
10. House of the Dead – The second Uwe Boll film on this list. What is essentially an arcade zombie shooter got the full Hollywood treatment – or rather, the no way near Hollywood treatment. House of the Dead is an embarrassing adaptation of a game that has no story. And yet, they turned it into a group of horny teenagers want to go to a rave on an island only to get attacked by the dead. Look can we just all agree that Uwe Boll shouldn’t be allowed to make films? Deal? Good…