Fast and Furious 8: Please god, make it stop

The Fast and Furious franchise has burst onto our screens in their eight outing. This won’t be their last – and it certainly wasn’t their best movie by a long run. A ridiculous movie made simply for the overweight masses to shove popcorn in down their food holes and watch improbable explosions and unimpressive set pieces.

For anyone who knows these movies – they don’t take themselves seriously. That is a premise I like, a somewhat satirical look on action films, yeah why not. Except this is so stupidly over the top that it’s lost all humour on the matter (not that it had much in the first place) and frankly, the no stakes action just means the whole movies are pointless.

The lack of killing any main character off just makes these films so lacklustre. The villains are about as dry as a handful of Jacob’s Crackers in the Gobi Desert. The main villain in this adaptation is Cipher, a world-famous cyber criminal who has been pulling the strings behind the scenes on the last few movies – except she’s never seen, mentioned or heard of. She apparently knows Ramsey, the hacker who invented God’s Eye from the previous film, but again this is so underdeveloped that it is borderline unnecessary and felt like a way of just cramming in the Fast 7 character of Ramsey.

So we’ve basically gone from a franchise that started out as a drag racing series of flicks, which then became a heist franchise which started to lose its believeability and then it’s changed even more to a saving the world group of off the books heroes with such little amounts of believability that you start to question if you’re real yourself.

I found myself utterly bored throughout this film. I am not a fan of this franchise – and if you are I respect that, except you’re an idiot. Who could you enjoy such drivel. embarrassing dialogue, poorly written scripts, Stallone esc. one liners and more headache inducing moments than Batman vs Superman. I have honestly never left a movie theatre as angry as I have done leaving this piece of trash.

Was there any bits I liked? I liked it when The Rock fought Jason Statham in the prison. I guess I liked it when Jason Statham talked to the baby. I liked it when the movie was over. As someone who isn’t a fan of these movies, I simply cannot talk about them in as much detail as I would with other films because they simply don’t appeal to me.

I understand these movies are made to be a little bit unrealistic, but not to the point where cars start driving themselves down the street and crashing out of building because of some computer programme. Nor do I believe that the government would hire these random former criminals to do Black Ops work for them. And I certainly don’t believe that anyone in any position of power would let Tyrese Gibson’s character Roman Piece be allowed near anything remotely dangerous to other humans – like fast cars or military equipment.

These films go straight over my head and I simply don’t care for them. Yes they don’t take themselves seriously. But they do it in a way that is so obnoxious to the audience that it is frankly insulting. These movies make a lot of money, which is understandable given their popularity – but I cant see why? Yes they have action, excitement and humour (if you have the humour of a 12-year-old boy) but ultimately these films are just the loud kid in the class room waving his hands and screaming for attention.

Apparently, they’re making Fast 9 and 10 and then calling it a day – Goodness, I cannot wait for that day.

Would I recommend this movie? No – God no. If you like these movies then yes go. Unless you’re 100% dead certain of wanting to see this film, then don’t waste your money. A loud, obnoxious festival of mind-numblingly  unnecessary images contorted together to what is vaguely considered to be a movie.

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